My first blog means my first day of mental therapy

Wow! I am sitting here at my desk trying to think of what to say. I am 48 years young and was widowed at 45. My husband had long suffered with mental health issues such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and narcissism. He was unbelievably successful at his job and with work friends and then would have a relapse. We have four children who are 27, 18, 16 and 10.

January of 2008 he decided enough was enough and ended his life, leaving me a widow with four children. I have gone through so many phases, many in different order from people who suffer from sudden loss. I was angry at first - wondering why and asking why he wouldn't take the help he was constantly offered. Then denial - thinking it was all a bad dream. The bargaining phase never hit home 100% because the suicide was sudden, although not unexpected as he threatened so many times. Of course, the longer he has been gone, the depression set in. Now I am trying to accept my life as it is, and move on.

Our son, who is now 10, does not know how his father passed away and I am struggling with when to tell him. Right now, he knows that Daddy was sick.

The four children leave me constantly busy and my mind is occupied, but at night reality hts home.

There is so much more to post, but I am going to start with this. I intend to self-motivate my self daily to write on this blog to help me become myself again!